Sometimes your Yes doesn’t make sense

when yes doesn't make sense

“Why don’t you move to London?”, said the guy I had been with twice.

“What are you afraid of?”, he asked, noticing my hesitation to kiss him as we waited for the night bus.

“Do you want to teach Embody?”, when I had never been to a class, didn’t teach movement, and “wasn’t a dancer”.

Sometimes life presents us with nudges. Cross-roads at which we can choose between what’s familiar, certain, feels safe and slightly vanilla; or the unknown, slightly edgy, nonsensical option that turns on every fiber of your being.

Life is checking in, “Are you ready to receive what I have waiting for you? Are you willing to say Yes when there is no guarantee?”

I said Yes to the first guy. He broke things off 2 weeks after I moved to the UK.

I said Yes to the 2nd. He’s now my husband.

I said Yes to Embody. After a year of teaching I said Yes to more; a one year mentorship and deep dive training. I have yet to recoup my initial financial investment.

Sometimes your Yes turns out the way you want, sometimes it doesn’t. You can rationalize and weigh up the pros and cons, trying to make sure your Yes guarantees a bright future, but Love doesn’t work like that.

Love doesn’t offer you a money-back guarantee or heart-break insurance. All it gives you are breadcrumbs to follow.

Breadcrumbs in the shape of what feels good, brings you joy, lights you up, turns you on, gets you out of bed in the morning, expands your capacity to breathe in more and more of life even if you sacrifice along the way. Your Yes.

I get that it can be hard to trust the Yes. Even if it makes some semblance of sense, if you’ve been conditioned to view bodily pleasures as wrong, and deprivation as a virtue, it can be hard to trust that allowing for what feels good is actually the right decision.

I grew up in a very black and white world where anything that happened inside the four walls of our church building was safe, allowed, good, and spiritual. Everything that happened outside those walls was secular, sinful, evil.

The “Yeses” I was permitted fit into a small box. Outside that box were things like PG-13 movies and TV shows, dating non-Christians, friends that didn’t “believe”, alcohol, music that wasn’t a hymn or Worship music, sex, and of course, dancing.

Most of the “Noes” meant cutting myself off from some kind of sensory experience, which made it easy to conclude that anything that felt good in my body must be secular and sinful too. By the time I was in Highschool, I was eating bland food, bagels with lettuce, chicken without any of the tasty butter sauce,  and pizza without the cheese.

I was  working under the assumption that anything that actually tastes good must be bad for me, and anything that felt good, like an orgasm, must mean that I am somehow sinning.

In recovering myself, I’ve had to recover my Yes. Reclaim simple sensory delights like French Vanilla candles and garlic sautéing on the stove, as well as profound bodily experiences that still feel edgy because they don’t usually happen at church; like breath and life-filled, full bodied orgasms that happen without any physical stimulation.

In my late teens I discovered house music. This was a huge Yes for me that fell into the box of Noes I inherited. House music does something to me that’s hard to explain. My body can’t not move, and inside I get this feeling that I always want more of, like the sweet space where your longing, anticipation, and desire, meets a satisfyingly peaceful connection with calm.

The one word I can think of to describe it is Home.

My friends were more into Hip-hop and mainstream Pop, so I’d pooh-pooh this feeling. “Maybe I was missing something. They must know something I don’t know. My yes must be inferior to theirs, plus God probably doesn’t approve.”

If there are moments in your life where you feel like this too, where your Yes doesn’t make sense and goes against everything you’ve been taught and brought to believe up until now, feels subversive, dangerous, and you’re not sure you can trust it, I want to offer you an olive branch.

In the form of house music, of course.

The first time I heard Eddie Amador’s track, ‘House Music‘, everything inside me cried out, “Yes! You get it. Thank you. Yes! This is what I’ve been feeling and couldn’t put into words. House music… A spiritual thing. A body thing. A soul thing. Of course! That explains it!”

Then I was 30,000 feet above the ground on a red-eye from London to Cape Town, flipping through the Virgin Music selection and stumbled on to a lesser known Faithless track.

The beat had me, and then the words kicked in. “This is my church, this is where I heal my hurts. For tonight… God… is a DJ.” A rush flooded my body like a warm shot of electricity, raising the hair on my arms and bursting my heart open with that sweet spot where longing dances with full.

I could feel the far corners of this great expansive universe. In that moment I knew my place in it. Everything and nothing made sense. I was touching something real for the first time and I couldn’t even tell you what that thing was. It felt spiritual. I had a taste of ecstacy. And I didn’t even have to pop a pill.

You have an ecstatic Yes too, and if you’re like the 90% of the people in my life where your gateway drug isn’t house music, that’s totally OK. We’re each different, and we each connect with Love in different ways. Which means it’s even that much more important to pay attention to what you love.

Love finds a way to speak your language. Whether its house, fishing, or something equally as obscure, Love nudges you towards more of life through your Yes; through your ecstatic joy.

Make room for it, receive it. Otherwise you end up living somebody else’s life; what some one else has deemed right and acceptable.

Like me, you might find your Yes in your body. Trust this. Your body is not evil, your sensuality not sinful. Your body connects you to the very unique music you have to play. Your body is a spiritual thing, a soul thing.

And every day can be a spiritual thing, a body thing, a soul thing, dancing in this divine dance to a DJ that spins the most epic tracks. We’re not all going to like every track that’s played. We’re not going to understand why others are dancing while we can’t stand what’s playing. And even when, finally, the track comes on that is completely ecstatically climatic, it still might not make sense.

That’s OK. All you have to do is start dancing when the music moves you. All you have to do is say Yes to Love.

When I said Yes to move to London, I had the security of a relationship to make my decision easier. This disappeared as soon as I got there, and I discovered that moving countries was still a Yes for me. For the first time, getting dumped didn’t unravel my world. Love was teaching me to Love myself.

When I said Yes to the first kiss with the last man I’ve kissed, there was no logical reason or certainty involved in that decision. We came from two very different worlds. On paper he didn’t tick any of the boxes I was conditioned to prioritize. He was still a Yes for me. Love was teaching me to Love beyond the lens I was looking through.

When I said Yes to EMBODY, I had no past experience, credentials, or degrees to prove that ‘I could do this.’ I was taking a risk, banking on none other than the fire in my belly that was magnetically pulled toward this healing modality. Love was teaching, and is still teaching, me to trust myself and trust Love.

I recently wrote about the times when Love doesn’t always feel good. That still stands, and at the same time, sometimes Love does feel good even when it doesn’t make sense as to why. Love is a paradox that we are unlikely to ever wrap our heads around.

Maybe we just let God be the DJ, let it be a body thing, a soul thing, a spiritual thing, and just dance with the music life plays us.

Do you find it hard to listen to your Yes? I work with individuals who are on a journey of trusting themselves and Love more. Here’s a couple ways how we can work together. Let’s talk and explore options.

Do you love house music too? How would you like to guide others to move to music that you love? Embody Teacher Training starts July 22nd (with a UK in-person training happening!) Whether or not you’ve been to a class, if you’re getting the nudge to teach, let’s talk. This is a Yes that has brought me so much life and I’d love the same for you. For UK peeps, I’m looking for someone to collaborate with on the growth of EMBODY in the UK (including bringing it to prisons). We can DJ together.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: